So as of Friday (March 1, 1013) I am now 231 pounds. Go me! Water weight or not, it's still good and motivates me to keep going. I am greatful that I have still maintained most of the good body shape and tone from last year's health commitment (that was ended by a car wreck and subsequent layup). My overall body shape does make me happy, I just really want my belly to go away and tighten up some sags and ripples and wear the size I used to. But hey, this is what I'm doing this for. To better MYSELF.
And now for the rant. Apparently some jackass has decided to attempt to hack my Google account (and subsequently my Yahoo Mail, Blogger and Youtube Accounts). I can only assume from the source that it is someone who has read the blog. My traffic report indicates that a bunch of strange "rating" sites have been logging me and that irritates me. I don't need bot traffic messing up my stuff. The would be hacker was logged as coming from Turkey. Note to jackass: go away. You will not find anything valuable. My paypal is under a defunct email specifically so it can't be hacked. And besides, I will shut it down faster than you can whistle your national anthem. If you hope to get names/addresses/emails for your spam or other reasons, you won't find those either. And if you want bank accounts, you're definitely shit outta luck because I don't have one. Other than my online shop and small cluster of online networking personae, I live off the grid. So yeah, hope opening yourself up to being tracked and hacked yourself is worth it.
And on the off chance that this crap was pulled by some angry fatvocate who doesn't like what I say: piss off. If you read this blog, you would see that this is for ME and as much as you hate people telling you to get off your ass, I hate being ORDERED to be ok with who I am when I personally don't like it. (FYI if the hacker is Atchka Fatty, go to hell. Just because I called you out for being an angry, spam-happy hack of a blogger doesn't give you the right to troll. If it's not you, apologies for the troll accusation but still, go away.)
Ok folks. I know that was vulgar and down the rabbit hole but people who waste my time and attempt to tamper with my life and resources make me VERY angry. I and the ones I love work hard every day to have what we do (and it ain't much) so the idea of people who take a gift for technology and use it to suck the system make me wish...well never mind.
In the words of Haruhi Suzumiya: That is all!
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Friday, February 22, 2013
First Weigh-In
*Cue The Fanfare*
Here ye! Here ye! I have just weighed in and my new weight is:
235 lbs!
It's a bittersweet victory. The number still repulses me. I don't like it at all. BUT, part of what's gonna get me through this is celebrating the small victories. The first pounds are supposed to be a booster to get you through the coming struggles. I guess I can take joy in the fact that I didn't even do GOOD things this first week but those few changes helped me START knocking out the problem. Now let's keep it that way.
*Yes I realize a lot of this is probably water weight, blah blah blah! I will grant the fatvocates one thing: putting down and over-criticizing people DOES make a difference in how the perceive themselves and the worth of their efforts!*
Here ye! Here ye! I have just weighed in and my new weight is:
235 lbs!
It's a bittersweet victory. The number still repulses me. I don't like it at all. BUT, part of what's gonna get me through this is celebrating the small victories. The first pounds are supposed to be a booster to get you through the coming struggles. I guess I can take joy in the fact that I didn't even do GOOD things this first week but those few changes helped me START knocking out the problem. Now let's keep it that way.
*Yes I realize a lot of this is probably water weight, blah blah blah! I will grant the fatvocates one thing: putting down and over-criticizing people DOES make a difference in how the perceive themselves and the worth of their efforts!*
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Harsh, But Honest, Dear Prudence Video
Apparently this video below has the fatvocates and agony aunts of the interwebz twisting their pearls.
People are "shocked", "appalled", "offended" and "disgusted" by this video because it portrays a family of over-eaters as pigs. People are deriding Dear Prudence and even calling for the animator to be disciplined or fired. Prudence has since released an apology and the video has been removed from the column. It still exists in the Slate V archives and people are calling for that removal too. Frankly I hope Slate stands strong and doesn't cower before this wave of angry keyboard pounding.
Before I offer my two cents, here's the video:
Girl with Endless Appetite
Now, as an obese person who has battled the issue all my life, I guess I'm supposed to be just as mad and insulted about this as the legions of internet commenters. I'm not. My family was a horrible example of health and diet and a large part of my issues with food now stem from the dietary Chernobyl of my younger years. These parents have taken a perfectly fine parental desire (to see their child love herself for what's inside) and ran it right over the cliff of Mashed Potato Mountain. It is not ok to let her wreck the "outside" to show how little she values conventional beauty standards. One of my favorite things to compare this too would be saying: "Oh, that only LOOKS like a crack house! Inside they have Ming Vases, Persian Rugs and a Jacuzzi!" Would you by a decrepit, rotten house based on the supposed treasures within? Most likely not. Likewise, this little girl is selling herself short by destroying her body and her parents are cheering it on, all in the name of "it's what's inside that counts." This is not Ok. This is how you make people like me. I do not wish this struggle on anyone, let alone innocent children who's parents think that love means never saying no to fried chicken and dilly bars.
People are "shocked", "appalled", "offended" and "disgusted" by this video because it portrays a family of over-eaters as pigs. People are deriding Dear Prudence and even calling for the animator to be disciplined or fired. Prudence has since released an apology and the video has been removed from the column. It still exists in the Slate V archives and people are calling for that removal too. Frankly I hope Slate stands strong and doesn't cower before this wave of angry keyboard pounding.
Before I offer my two cents, here's the video:
Girl with Endless Appetite
Now, as an obese person who has battled the issue all my life, I guess I'm supposed to be just as mad and insulted about this as the legions of internet commenters. I'm not. My family was a horrible example of health and diet and a large part of my issues with food now stem from the dietary Chernobyl of my younger years. These parents have taken a perfectly fine parental desire (to see their child love herself for what's inside) and ran it right over the cliff of Mashed Potato Mountain. It is not ok to let her wreck the "outside" to show how little she values conventional beauty standards. One of my favorite things to compare this too would be saying: "Oh, that only LOOKS like a crack house! Inside they have Ming Vases, Persian Rugs and a Jacuzzi!" Would you by a decrepit, rotten house based on the supposed treasures within? Most likely not. Likewise, this little girl is selling herself short by destroying her body and her parents are cheering it on, all in the name of "it's what's inside that counts." This is not Ok. This is how you make people like me. I do not wish this struggle on anyone, let alone innocent children who's parents think that love means never saying no to fried chicken and dilly bars.
Monday, February 18, 2013
My "Farewell To F@&king-Off Dinner"
Well, tack this one onto the wall of shame. I almost didn't want to post this...which is exactly why it needs to be posted...
My loving and supportive fiance went with me tonight to have a little "us" time and one last appallingly bad dinner before I set my little self down and get serious. I know some experts say you shouldn't do this, but considering how fat and crappy I feel I think it was worth it...
...because I HATE feeling like this.
Dinner was actually going great in terms of nutrition and calories, but I hit the major pitfalls that I always seem guilty of:
1. I went while incredibly hungry.
2. I went during dinner rush when food is slow to come and the filler bread looks like manna from Heaven.
3. I went while angry and depressed. Because I know I eat for comfort, this was a bad thing to do. I gave into my trigger and I am justifiably unhappy with myself over it. That being said, here's the damage report:
Do ya see what happened there kids? I gave in to the allure of unnecessary food! Nobody needs a ton of carbs before they even see their entree! I even feel sketch about the mashed potatoes considering I don't care much for the way Red Lobster Seasons them. But FIVE biscuits? What on Earth was I thinking? I don't even recall eating that many, I had to double check with S! So I just mindlessly swallowed down more calories than a double cheeseburger! THIS is why I'm fat and if I seem harsh on myself, GOOD! I personally have no patience for coddling and pussyfooting around the issues. I am killing myself one carb-binge after another and it's sick. Even now I feel bloated, gross and sluggish...
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
My loving and supportive fiance went with me tonight to have a little "us" time and one last appallingly bad dinner before I set my little self down and get serious. I know some experts say you shouldn't do this, but considering how fat and crappy I feel I think it was worth it...
...because I HATE feeling like this.
Dinner was actually going great in terms of nutrition and calories, but I hit the major pitfalls that I always seem guilty of:
1. I went while incredibly hungry.
2. I went during dinner rush when food is slow to come and the filler bread looks like manna from Heaven.
3. I went while angry and depressed. Because I know I eat for comfort, this was a bad thing to do. I gave into my trigger and I am justifiably unhappy with myself over it. That being said, here's the damage report:
My "Farewell To F@&king-Off Dinner"
Total Calories: 2125
Red Lobster Creamy Potato Bacon Soup (Cup) - 220 Calories
Rock Lobster Tail - 170 Calories
Peppercorn Grilled Sirloin - 240 Calories
Red Lobster Mashed Potatoes - 210 Calories
Cheddar Bay Biscuits (5) - 750 Calories
Warm Chocolate Lava Cookie (1/2 Of It) - 535 Calories
Do ya see what happened there kids? I gave in to the allure of unnecessary food! Nobody needs a ton of carbs before they even see their entree! I even feel sketch about the mashed potatoes considering I don't care much for the way Red Lobster Seasons them. But FIVE biscuits? What on Earth was I thinking? I don't even recall eating that many, I had to double check with S! So I just mindlessly swallowed down more calories than a double cheeseburger! THIS is why I'm fat and if I seem harsh on myself, GOOD! I personally have no patience for coddling and pussyfooting around the issues. I am killing myself one carb-binge after another and it's sick. Even now I feel bloated, gross and sluggish...
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Sad But True Humor
This Is Why I'm Fat
Today was a stark example of how I've let myself get out of control.
I have been living on 3 square meals a day of GARBAGE.
Because it's cheap.
Because it's convenient.
Because I have allowed myself to get overbooked, overworked and underpaid.
And because, quite frankly, I'm a bit of an idiot sometimes.
Breakfast: 3 slices of Ultimate Cheese Lover's Pizza with Alfredo Sauce (Pizza Hut; approx. 1170 calories)
Lunch: 3 Beefy Nacho Grillers (Taco Bell; 1260 calories)
Dinner: Large Double Cheeseburger Meal w/ Diet Coke, 3 Chocolate Chip Cookies (McDonalds; 1420 Calories)
Total Calories From Food: 3850
Apparently, according to WebMD, strolling around the mall for an hour and a half took off 573 calories in exercise. I feel sick (wonder why) so I didn't work out or do else much today.
Calories Burned: 573
TOTAL CALORIES FOR THE DAY: 3277
OVERAGE: 1723
COMMENTS: Dear God I Have GOT to get a handle on this before I end up in the hospital!
I have been living on 3 square meals a day of GARBAGE.
Because it's cheap.
Because it's convenient.
Because I have allowed myself to get overbooked, overworked and underpaid.
And because, quite frankly, I'm a bit of an idiot sometimes.
Breakfast: 3 slices of Ultimate Cheese Lover's Pizza with Alfredo Sauce (Pizza Hut; approx. 1170 calories)
Lunch: 3 Beefy Nacho Grillers (Taco Bell; 1260 calories)
Dinner: Large Double Cheeseburger Meal w/ Diet Coke, 3 Chocolate Chip Cookies (McDonalds; 1420 Calories)
Total Calories From Food: 3850
Apparently, according to WebMD, strolling around the mall for an hour and a half took off 573 calories in exercise. I feel sick (wonder why) so I didn't work out or do else much today.
Calories Burned: 573
TOTAL CALORIES FOR THE DAY: 3277
OVERAGE: 1723
COMMENTS: Dear God I Have GOT to get a handle on this before I end up in the hospital!
The Moment Of (Awful) Truth
I'm here again...
Godamnit I can't believe I'm here again.
I'll be 25 next month and my BMI is STILL higher than my age.
I've had too many miscarriages and I blame myself for that. The likelihood of sterility and loss of pregnancy climbs with every pound I pack on.
I am 5'6" and I weigh 240 lbs.
I could qualify for DISABILITY under the heading of MORBID OBESITY.
The dietician states that I have a larger frame so it's "not as bad as it seems". I call bullshit.
This IS bad! This is VERY bad!
This isn't what I want.
This isn't who I am.
But this is who I have let my past make me into.
I am disgusted.
I am ashamed.
And I am mad as hell.
I'm getting married this year. I will not go down the aisle looking like this.
I am moving to Austin this year. I will not let my new neighbors see me this way.
I want to start having kids next year. I will not attempt to get pregnant at this body size and I sure as HELL won't raise kids to think that this is ok!
I don't care if 5000 Fatvocates thunder down on this blog, I still won't think this is ok!
Because I am NOT fat because of "thyroid problems".
I am not fat and "can't help it".
I am fat because I was taught bad habits.
I am fat because I carried those bad habits and used food for comfort.
I am fat because I was stubborn and didn't want to take the medications that would help me cope with my REAL illnesses and get a handle on my problems.
I am fat because I have CHOSEN not to make the changes I need to, at least not in any permanent or meaningful way.
But that ends now
If you're with me, I'll be your sister in this fight.
If you're against me, find the door.
But I will not end up like some the people I care for.
I will not subject myself, my partners, and my future children to a life riddled with health problems that I could have prevented.
IT...ENDS...NOW!
Godamnit I can't believe I'm here again.
I'll be 25 next month and my BMI is STILL higher than my age.
I've had too many miscarriages and I blame myself for that. The likelihood of sterility and loss of pregnancy climbs with every pound I pack on.
I am 5'6" and I weigh 240 lbs.
I could qualify for DISABILITY under the heading of MORBID OBESITY.
The dietician states that I have a larger frame so it's "not as bad as it seems". I call bullshit.
This IS bad! This is VERY bad!
This isn't what I want.
This isn't who I am.
But this is who I have let my past make me into.
I am disgusted.
I am ashamed.
And I am mad as hell.
I'm getting married this year. I will not go down the aisle looking like this.
I am moving to Austin this year. I will not let my new neighbors see me this way.
I want to start having kids next year. I will not attempt to get pregnant at this body size and I sure as HELL won't raise kids to think that this is ok!
I don't care if 5000 Fatvocates thunder down on this blog, I still won't think this is ok!
Because I am NOT fat because of "thyroid problems".
I am not fat and "can't help it".
I am fat because I was taught bad habits.
I am fat because I carried those bad habits and used food for comfort.
I am fat because I was stubborn and didn't want to take the medications that would help me cope with my REAL illnesses and get a handle on my problems.
I am fat because I have CHOSEN not to make the changes I need to, at least not in any permanent or meaningful way.
But that ends now
If you're with me, I'll be your sister in this fight.
If you're against me, find the door.
But I will not end up like some the people I care for.
I will not subject myself, my partners, and my future children to a life riddled with health problems that I could have prevented.
IT...ENDS...NOW!
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