The Moment Of (Awful) Truth

I'm here again...
Godamnit I can't believe I'm here again.
I'll be 25 next month and my BMI is STILL higher than my age.
I've had too many miscarriages and I blame myself for that. The likelihood of sterility and loss of pregnancy climbs with every pound I pack on.
I am 5'6" and I weigh 240 lbs.
I could qualify for DISABILITY under the heading of MORBID OBESITY.
The dietician states that I have a larger frame so it's "not as bad as it seems". I call bullshit.
This IS bad! This is VERY bad!
This isn't what I want.
This isn't who I am.
But this is who I have let my past make me into.
I am disgusted.
I am ashamed.
And I am mad as hell.
I'm getting married this year. I will not go down the aisle looking like this.
I am moving to Austin this year. I will not let my new neighbors see me this way.
I want to start having kids next year. I will not attempt to get pregnant at this body size and I sure as HELL won't raise kids to think that this is ok!
I don't care if 5000 Fatvocates thunder down on this blog, I still won't think this is ok!
Because I am NOT fat because of "thyroid problems".
I am not fat and "can't help it".
I am fat because I was taught bad habits.
I am fat because I carried those bad habits and used food for comfort.
I am fat because I was stubborn and didn't want to take the medications that would help me cope with my REAL illnesses and get a handle on my problems.
I am fat because I have CHOSEN not to make the changes I need to, at least not in any permanent or meaningful way.
But that ends now
If you're with me, I'll be your sister in this fight.
If you're against me, find the door.
But I will not end up like some the people I care for.
I will not subject myself, my partners, and my future children to a life riddled with health problems that I could have prevented.
IT...ENDS...NOW!